Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
