alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
