I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
