I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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