so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
