I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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