My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
