im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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