3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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