This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
