last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
