i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
