I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Panties = found
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
