First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
