that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
