oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
