I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
