He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
