Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
