My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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