My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i barfeds in our rink
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
