you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I wish you could order shots online.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
