My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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