I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
