tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize