How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
