careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
