Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
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