im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
