This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
