mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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