you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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