Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
