Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
then he tried to convert me to islam
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
