Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize