rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize