Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
