Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
