Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
