I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
