When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
