Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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