I'm eating all of the evidence.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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