I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
