Non-Jews are for practice
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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