my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
