wakey wakey hands off snakey
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
