I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
