Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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