a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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