i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
