Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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