By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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