party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
