I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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