He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize