Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
