discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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