dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
