Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
