I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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