Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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