We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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