i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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