i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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