i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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