Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
