The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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