First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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