Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
