I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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